Journeying Toward Wholeness

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Amidst All the Pressure, Staying True to Yourself

June 10th, 2019 · staying true to yourself

Social pressure, of one kind or another, is a powerful, all-pervasive thing.  Staying true to yourself in the face of it can be a difficult task.

staying true to yourself

It’s easy for any of us to be unaware of, or to underestimate, the amount of pressure we all feel to fit into someone else’s idea of who we ought to be. Yet, if we truly going to find our own direction, it’s essential for us to be aware of just how much pressure to follow the desires and expectations of others we actually face.
The cost of social pressure can be high for individuals. Sometimes we realize this cost only in retrospect. Often, it’s only when we think about the roads not taken in our lives, that we start to realize how much letting others take us away from what we actually want has actually cost us.

Group Pressure is Surprisingly Powerful

Recent studies on the power of social pressure have a lot to teach us. Building on nearly 50 years of social psychology research, Emory University psychiatrist / neuroscientist Gregory Berns has demonstrated that social pressure can actually be strong enough to lead people to change their perception of reality, and that those who resist group pressure can experience very significant levels of emotional discomfort.

This has particular importance for us in relationships. Key relationships, such as families, are absolutely essential to human existence. Yet, at the same time, those key connections, like families, can do tremendous damage to our awareness of ourselves, and can enforce rigid forms of social conformity. Although we look to families for emotional shelter and support, often a family can be extremely intolerant of individual differences and the characteristics that make individuals unique. As Jung himself noted,

Children don’t belong to their parents… often they are about as characteristic of their parents as an apple on a fir-tree.

C.G. Jung, Correspondence

Given that group pressure has tremendous psychological power, and given that even our conjugal families and families of origin can be pressure vessels that induce conformity, what chance is there of staying true to yourself?

Individualism Isn’t the Same as Staying True to Yourself

Now, this all seems disquieting, because we live in a society that ostensibly values the individual and individual expression. We all give lip service to freedoms like freedom of mobility and freedom of expression. Yet it would probably be fair to say that we stress the value of individualism, of individual achievement, more than the value of individuation, which is the process of becoming the person you or I are most fundamentally meant to be.

Certainly, product marketers use the language and visual images of individuality to great effect in marketing campaigns. We all know the powerful images of the individual alone in his or her car, perhaps in some panoramic wilderness or some warm velvet night, putting pedal to the metal and sailing off in his or her Own Direction [capitals mine]. This must be very effective imagery: the automotive industry has used it for many years now. You can find similar usage of images in marketing a wide range of products — perhaps the most famous of all time being “The Marlboro Man”.

Yet it’s striking that this kind of advertising is itself a kind of social pressure, applied to induce thousands, if not hundreds of thousands or even millions of people to engage in the same behaviour. It raises the question, what would it be like to really “go in your own direction” — to really live in a way that fundamentally expresses who you are.

What’s more, the norms of whole communities, neighbourhoods and certainly family units get shaped by these kinds of social pressure. It’s easy for the individual to see themselves as functioning autonomously and independently, when there are all kinds of pressures at play that take us away from who are really are, and what we really want.

It’s very easy for each of us to delude ourselves, when it comes to “staying true to yourself”. We can think that we’re living out of our spontaneous selves, when we’re really living out of the long buried expectations of society, or some significant other, buried deeply and for a long time in our psyche. Is there any way past this dilemma?

illusions of individuality. marketing

Hearing Your Inner Voice: Staying True to Yourself

So then, is there no way to hear the voice of the self, and to live it out? Are we doomed to perpetually meeting the expectations of others and of our social surroundings?

Actually, there are things we can do that bring us more into contact with ourselves. It sounds incredibly simple, perhaps even simple-minded, but we can find ways to listen to ourselves.

As we explore our life story often we can begin to discern what is our true self, and the places where others, wittingly or unwittingly, have applied pressure upon us to do things other than what we wanted to do, to want things other than what we really want, and perhaps to be someone other than who we really are. The places in our lives where we have gotten the message that who we really are is not enough, or is even just plain “wrong”, are often places where we encounter anxiety and/or depression.

There are many ways of getting in contact with who we really are. One way is to explore what it is that we really like to do, and, especially, as C.G. Jung emphasized, getting in touch with the things that we really liked to do as a child, or as a young person. Finding ways to genuinely express ourselves in some way — through writing, through visual arts, through improv, through dance — can all be great ways to connect with the depths of you.

In addition, like many people, you may find that engaging in depth psychotherapy, especially Jungian analysis, can be a tremendous aid in staying true to yourself. Working with someone to investigate our unconscious and undiscovered self can be a tremendous benefit on the journey to wholeness.

Brian  Collinson, Registered Psychotherapist and Jungian Analyst


© 2019 Brian Collinson, 2238 Constance Drive Oakville, Ontario (near Mississauga)

PHOTOS: Borja García de Sola Fernández (Creative Commons Licence)

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How to Fix My Life? Some Bad News — and Some Good News…

May 27th, 2019 · how to fix my life

how to fix my life

“How to fix my life? ” is a huge question in our time. Self help books, TED talks, gurus on Oprah or Dr. Phil — all are devoted to answering this question.

We live in a time when there is a great obsession with trying to get our lives right, and finding the magic secret that will make us who it is that we really ought to be. It’s not really surprising that we think like this. We live in an era when our ingenuity and our technology have solved so many problems.
Only a hundred and fifty years ago, most people got around on foot or on the backs of animals. If you wanted to talk to someone, you had to go and see them face to face. Now everything has changed! Shouldn’t we expect the same kind of powerful fixes for our own personal lives, perhaps with issues like anxiety and depression?

First the Bad News: No Silver Bullets

It can be tempting to expect that the answer to “how to fix my life” should be as simple as buying a new car, or a new suit of clothes. However, the truth is,that the self-help gurus who have simple formulas for making your life or my life better are not really giving enough weight to how complex we are as creatures, or how complicated life can be.

There can be lots of talk of “re-wiring the brain” in this or that way, and change in the brain is possible, but it doesn’t usually come quickly. When it can occur, it requires quite a bit of time and effort. Experiences that have affected us very deeply, like experiences of the mother-child bond, or experiences that are difficult and overwhelming, that we call traumatic, have a profound effect on us that is not easily removed or erased. Many of the things that shape us as human beings remain with us, in some form, throughout the entirety of the human journey. We cannot expect some surgery to remove them as if they were a ruptured appendix.

What Do We Do With the Hand We’re Dealt?

WhIle we might be able to change some factors in our lives, and in our personal psychologies, there is much about our selves and our situation that we simply cannot change.

We have to accept that we have come to the place we are in our lives as the result of the action of many different factors. These factors include genetics, environment, family, cultural and others in combination with any experience that the individual may have had of trauma. We are who we are, in the particular place and time that we live in.

Life can be a real struggle if we cannot accept our own real lives. People can end up running from themselves in so many different ways, and yet never really be able to get away or escape.

We have to start by playing the hand we’ve been dealt. This life we’ve been given is the one life that we have: it defines who we are. It’s our starting place, and we can’t pretend that it’s not. If we can accept the hand we’ve been dealt, then perhaps we can start to play it. That might mean coming to greater understanding of who we really are, finding things we can change in our lives, and maybe finding ways to connect with others who can help us feel grounded and valued in our lives.

The Good News: Self Acceptance and Self Compassion

One of the very best things we can do for ourselves, as C.G. Jung frequently emphasized, is to actively work on bringing ourselves to a place of fundamental acceptance of who we really are.

It might sound very odd to say it, but to the degree that we can accept ourselves for who we are, we actually bring a profound kind of change into our lives. That might not seem at all like an answer to the question of “How to fix my life?” However, it is about a deep change in our relationship to ourselves.

The on-going work of understanding and accepting ourselves in depth psychotherapy, and living out of who we really are, is not an instant change or a magic bullet. However, if we stay with it, it is something that we can experience as deeply healing.

One very good starting point for this journey to wholeness can be a willingness to talk openly about ourselves in the context of therapy, and to work diligently toward self-understanding and self-acceptance. The real heart of the human journey, as Jung tells us, is the journey of individuation, the journey to become more and more who we are and to live that out in the world. To do this requires a fundamental kindness toward, and acceptance of, ourselves. The ongoing work of moving toward this goal is the very heart of Jungian depth psychotherapy.

Brian  Collinson, Registered Psychotherapist and Jungian Analyst


© 2019 Brian Collinson, 2238 Constance Drive Oakville, Ontario (near Mississauga)

PHOTOS: Borja García de Sola Fernández (Creative Commons Licence)

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The Mother Child Bond, and Why It Matters SO Much

May 20th, 2019 · mother child bond

We’ve just celebrated Mother’s Day. This holiday affects people differently, but certainly leads us to reflect on the vitally important mother child bond.

mother child bond
Maternity (1935) – José de Almada Negreiros
You might think that Mother’s Day is a manufactured holiday, or you might feel that it’s a highly meaningful family event. Either way, there’s no question that it invites us to think about the crucial mother child bond — and what it means for the whole of human life.
This is not just important for children! The mother — archetypal mother — has huge symbolic significance for us through out the whole of our life journey.
The mother child bond is unquestionably the single most impactful relationship that a human will have in the course of a life. That impact may be positive or negative in any of quite a number of ways. What is certain is that we will experience its influence, both consciously and unconsciously throughout the life journey.

At Home in the World — Or Not?

We humans are born very dependent on our parents — especially our mothers. Compared to a lot of other species, a lot of our developing occurs after we leave the womb, especially in the first early years. As Prof. Robert Winston of Imperial College, London emphasizes, neuroscience, psychology and epigenetics all stress that a tremendous amount of our happiness and future mental health depends on the interaction between mother and child. We experience the impact of the mother child bond far into our adult lives.

The ground-breaking psychiatrist John Bowlby first developed the idea that a strong emotional and physical attachment to a primary caregiver is critical to our personal development, and this is a cornerstone of psychology today. However, years before, in 1927, Jung wrote that

The mother-child relationship is certainly the deepest and most poignant one we know… it is the absolute experience of our species [italics mine], an organic truth…

C.G. Jung, Collected Works, Volume 8

The mother-child bond, or lack of it, influences our ability to relate to others. Even more, it impacts the whole of our ability to relate to, and to trust, life and the world. This is true in infancy, youth and all through adulthood.

Running From — Or To — Mother

Jung emphasized that facing the reality of our experience of mother is essential if we’re to be able to journey toward wholeness as individuals. Whether experiences of “good mother” or of “bad mother” predominate in our lives, if we don’t look at or explore our experiences of mother, they can have a profound effect on our relationships — and the whole of our lives. As Jungian analyst Andrew Samuels puts it:

…if bad experiences predominate over good in infancy, then the “bad mother” pole of the range of expectations is activated, and there is no counterbalance.

Samuels, Andrew, et al., Critical Dictionary of Jungian Analysis

So, what might this look like? Such an individual might struggle with lack of trust in life, and especially trust in relationships. characterized by pessimism and a lack of trust in life in general, and perhaps of his or her own abilities in particular. There might well be a tendency for the individual to struggle with chronic depression and anxiety.

Well, does that mean that the person who has a purely positive experience of mother will be set up for smooth sailing through the ocean of life? Actually, according to Samuels, and to Jung, it does not. As Samuels tells us,

…an idealized image of the mother-infant [and, we might add, mother-child] relationship can lead to only the ‘good” end of the spectrum being experienced, and the individual will never come to terms with the disappointments and realities of life.

Samuels, Andrew, et al., Critical Dictionary of Jungian Analysis

So, such an individual, who has only experienced the positive side of mothering, may go through life with a kind of a “glass jaw”, as boxers would say. They may be particularly unable to “take it on the chin” when things get difficult in life, and may not be able to deal with the challenges that require accepting that what life dishes out is not always fair or easy. Such people may experience particular difficulty in dealing with major life transitions such as divorce, loss of a loved one, career setbacks, and other similar life challenges

“Good Enough” Mother Energy

As preeminent psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott stressed decades ago, what we actually need to enable us to cope with life is a mother child bond that is not perfect — but that is, as he put it, “good enough”Such a bond would include positive experiences of “good mother”, but also experiences where the mother cannot save us from all hurt or difficulty, where we have to gradually develop our capacity to look after ourselves in the world.

There are a great many people who have genuine gaps in their experience of mother in their families of origin.  (I would certainly include myself in that number.) Often, working with a supportive and empathetic depth psychotherapist can allow us to re-visit our experience of mother in ways that bring greater self-understanding, self-compassion and resilience.

Brian  Collinson, Registered Psychotherapist and Jungian Analyst


© 2019 Brian Collinson, 2238 Constance Drive Oakville, Ontario (near Mississauga)

PHOTOS: Borja García de Sola Fernández (Creative Commons Licence)

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Retirement and Depression: Breaking the Linkage

May 6th, 2019 · retirement and depression

Can we break the all-too-common link between retirement and depression, as the retirement stage of life keeps lengthening?

retirement and depression
Many of us know at least one person who is wrestling with depression in retirement. When that individual is a close friend or a relative or a parent, we become very aware of the challenges involved in the major life transition that we call retirement. When that person is ourselves, the issue takes on even more importance.
I want to emphasize here that, in our time, the linkage between retirement and depression can begin quite some time before retirement actually starts.

P – Retirement and Depression: What’s the Root Connection?

C.G. Jung once said something important about retirement. He said it quite a number of years ago, but it’s even more relevant today than when he first said it:

It’s good to retire — but not into nothing.

~ C.G. Jung

“Retiring into nothing” is very much related to the linkage between retirement and depression. In the sense in which Jung meant it, “nothing” here refers to a meaningless life. The person who is “going into retirement” needs to feel that they’re not entering a vacuum where all the meaning and value that they’ve found in their previous work life has been sucked out, leaving them with nothing. No one who intentionally enters retirement does so with the idea that they’re signing up for a drab, meaningless existence. Yet many experience something not far from that.

Perhaps surprisingly, this discussion of “good retirement” and the topic of our last blog post, on “signs of burnout” both involve the same thing: the need to find meaningful, substantial involvement in life.

Let’s suppose that you enjoy your job, at least to some extent, and find that it provides some sense of meaning or purpose in your life. Then you cannot expect to find a valuable retirement, unless you’re getting these same needs for involvement and meaning or purpose — perhaps “making a contribution” — in your post-retirement life. Similarly, if your work life has fallen short in providing a sense of enjoyment or meaning or contribution, it’s going to be essential to find these things on the retirement life journey.

My clinical experience in a suburban depth psychotherapy practice suggests that finding these things in retirement is a substantial problem for many people. As a result, in too many cases, there is a connection between retirement and depression.

A – Retirement: Fantasy & Reality

As a culture, we have a lot of collective fantasies swirling around the subject of retirement.

retirement and depression
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Fantasyland?

In the post-war era, there was an understanding that people were “working toward” retirement at age 65. You were considered to have done exceptionally well if you were able to retire before that age (“Freedom 55”!). There was an emphasis on “escaping” from work. There was a sense that, when you retired, you would be entering a wonderful time that was essentially carefree, when you could do whatever you wanted to do with your time.

However, studies suggest that the likelihood that someone will suffer from clinical depression actually goes up substantially after retiring. The illusion that retirement is automatically some sort of Magical Mystery Tour has worn pretty thin. What is clear now, according to the leading experts is:

“The most successful retirees plan out their post-working lives.”

~ Prof. Ronald E. Reggio, Claremont McKenna College

Whether prior to, or during, retirement we need to reflect very carefully on our needs. This will lead us into important questions about our key values. You may be a person who puts a primary emphasis on creative forms of leisure, or a person who has a longing to create something on an on-going basis, or a person who fundamentally needs to be doing some kind of work.

How will you live out who you actually are? Failing to address this, and failing to think creatively about this stage of your life is a way of increasing the odds that depression could be your companion in retirement.

In large part that’s because work, whether we realize it or not, provides many of the ingredients that fuel happiness, including social connections, a steady routine and a sense of purpose. 

Retirement and Real Life

Living our complete life journey in a way that we find valuable and meaningful is key to avoiding the combination of retirement and depression, or getting out of it if we are already in it. There is great value in thinking creatively about where we are in our life journey.

Here’s a list of six fundamental things that we can do for ourselves in or near retirement:

  • 1) Staying active and in good shape, as good health is essential for good retirement.
  • 2) Keep social: deepen your existing bonds and make new ones.
  • 3) It can often help to keep some sort of routine or plan for the day, as structure often helps to get more out of the day.
  • 4) Carefully consider doing some form of meaningful “work”, in some sense of the word. Often part-time workers often stay in a better place mentally than those who quit cold turkey.
  • 5) Consider doing something that involves “giving back”, or volunteering — contributing can increase mental well-being.
  • 6) Think about some form of learning or classes, as a way of exploring new things and staying mentally alert.

In addition to all of the above, retirement is one of the major life transitions that leads an individual to ask deep level questions about her or his own identity and life story and about what is ultimately meaningful in his or her life. It can be an excellent time to embark on working with a Jungian depth psychotherapist, to help find orientation on the life journey.

Brian  Collinson, Registered Psychotherapist and Jungian Analyst


© 2019 Brian Collinson, 2238 Constance Drive Oakville, Ontario (near Mississauga)

PHOTOS: Borja García de Sola Fernández (Creative Commons Licence)


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Connectivity, Loss of Identity and Signs of Burnout

April 23rd, 2019 · burnout

There’s every indication that more and more people are showing signs of burnout related to our always-on world.

signs of burnout
Technology has had a big role in changing our relationship to work. That change is continuing at a very rapid rate in our time, perhaps even more rapidly that ever before. As a result, the signs of burnout that are associated with being connected 24/7 are more and more apparent in the lives of many business and professional people.
Though information technology seems to play a key role in the intensity, rapidity and depth of this type of issue, it shares the familiar characteristics of all burnout. While long hours are very often a precursor to burnout, the banner signs of burnout are well-known:
  • cynicism;
  • depression;
  • lethargy;
  • insomnia;
  • anxiety;
  • physical symptoms such as skin rash or hair loss; and,
  • lack of any feeling of achievement at work.
What is really at the root of this epidemic of burnout?

Connectivity and Distorted Identity

Very often social media and other forms of connectivity (text, email) act like office politics on steroids. We know from research that they can easily lead to endless struggles to find status and a sense of self-worth that comes through recognition by the peer group. Often this can mean finding false identity in endless work hours, or in markers of corporate or social status. Depending on the nature of the job, this can lead to a strong sense of being out of touch with who I really am, and of “the genuine me” not being valued. One key symptom of this may occur when an individual is never feeling ready to face the job or to face co-workers.

Yet, social science research shows what we might intuitively expect. Finding value in a work role doesn’t actually come from this kind of jostling for status and social position. As the research of a leading authority, Yale’s Prof. Amy Wrzesniewski has shown, the single biggest factor in finding value in work is finding work meaningful — the belief that my work somehow makes a real difference to people, or somehow makes the world a better place.

If my work doesn’t somehow give me this sense of meaningful contribution, the sense that I’m giving myself to some lasting meaning or value, it’s likely that I’m not going to feel any great sense of value in my work. If, on top of that, work makes all kinds of demands on me that are either over my boundaries, or, at odds with who I really am, there is then a very high likelihood that I’m going to start displaying the signs of burnout.

Toxic Work Persona?

As we face unprecedented levels of burnout, it’s important for each of us to ask ourselves whether our work is something that we find personally meaningful, and that we can see as an expression of who we really are. Because if who we really are isn’t acceptable in our workplace, we can pretty much take it as given that there will be pressure on us to adopt patterns of behaviour that are over our boundaries or that don’t line up with my real identity.

It’s not uncommon in many business cultures to glorify working hard, late at night or early in the morning. It can become a badge of honour to work longer and harder hours than your co-workers. Consider quotes like the following, which you can find all over social media:

“All the late nights and early mornings will pay off.”

“If you’re not going where you want to be in your life … consider what you’re doing between 7 p.m. and 12 a.m.”

These quotes embody common attitudes that lead to a person being attributed status or being seen as virtuous in many workplaces now. No one is saying that working hard is not a good thing. But depth psychotherapists know that working without limits or boundaries greatly increases the odds of damaging your physical or mental health.

If you’re working in an environment where what is exalted as “good work” is something that consistently takes you outside of your boundaries, two things are true. First, the persona or social presentation that the work environment expects of its workers may well be toxic for you. Second, if you persist in that environment, even though, at a deep level, you really know it’s wrong for you, then you may well be in denial, and you may well be hurting yourself.

Identity and Vocation

Anyone with a vocation hears the voice of the inner [person]: [s]he is called.

~ C.G. Jung

We discussed above how it’s necessary to feel that our work is of benefit, or that it makes a positive contribution, in some way or other, if we are going to feel that it’s meaningful,. Jung would tell us that, the more we feel that our work is really a genuine expression of the person we most fundamentally are, the more we will find it of value, and the more likely we are to feel that it is bringing something of benefit.

This idea of work as an expression of who we most fundamentally are, is central to Jung’s concept of vocation. Certainly vocation is about more than just the work we do, but it certainly includes our work. The fundamental idea of Jungian vocation is living out who we most fundamentally are.

From Jung’s perspective, the way to best counteract or reverse the signs of burnout involves recovering, or just plain discovering our true identity, and understanding what really resonates with “the inner person”, as Jung might say, in terms of work.

Trying to recover this sense of what really resonates, and what makes us feel truly alive, is a journey toward wholeness that we can all embark on today. Working with a depth psychotherapist, and getting to know ourselves in much more intimate detail, can also be a tremendous benefit when we’re on the road to our truest vocation.

Brian  Collinson, Registered Psychotherapist and Jungian Analyst


© 2019 Brian Collinson, 2238 Constance Drive Oakville, Ontario (near Mississauga)

PHOTOS: Borja García de Sola Fernández (Creative Commons Licence)

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“Where do I Belong?” is One of Life’s Key Questions

April 15th, 2019 · attachment issues in adults, where do i belong

“Where do I belong?” is a question that takes on immense importance for many individuals at different stages in their life journey.  

where do I belong
A Big Word
The issue of belonging changes its form, depending on our stage in life, our particular life circumstances, and whether we’re undergoing any major life transitions. It can come up for us in many ways, but it never loses its relevance and urgency.
From earliest days of life to the end of our life journey, we are confronted with the question of belonging — to our family, to communities, to ourselves, to a particular place, — and in the great scheme of things. It is one of the very fundamental aspects of what it is to be human.
This isn’t just an intellectual question. This is about something that is visceral, almost cellular, deeply rooted in our instinctual core. As the great John Bowlby established in his work on attachment, the sense of belonging is a fundamental part of human identity at all levels of development.

Our Psychological Need to Belong

People have a fundamental need to belong. Our connection to other people matters to us in some fundamental ways. Our self-esteem, and even our concept of ourselves remain partially rooted in the connection that we have with other people. Meaningful connection with others increases our resilience against stress, makes us subjectively feel happier, and leads to a more positive assessment of who we are..

Similarly, as work in the growing field of environmental psychology has shown, people also can have a very strong need to belong to a place. As researchers at the Université de La Réunion recently re-confirmed, connection or attachment to place has an important and fundamental connection with well-being. This may be a relatively new area of exploration for social science, but the Australian Aborigine cultures and other indigenous groups have known this truth, and emphasized its importance, for well over 40,000 years.

Here are two different but related kinds of belonging: belonging as human connection; and belonging as connection to place. In our era of rapid social and technological change, ceaseless mobility, and continual shifting of membership in social groups, many people find themselves asking “Where do I belong?”

How We Search for Belonging

We can spend a lot of time denying our need for belonging. This may be particularly true when we have not had the opportunity we needed in early life to bond with a mother figure. Or where a child didn’t feel themselves to be a genuinely loved and cherished member of a family unit, or where a family unit became disrupted, perhaps through divorce or the death of a parent. Something similar can happen where a child has a life of continual movement, so that they can never properly “put down roots” anywhere.

All of these situations may result in struggles with anxiety and/or depression, certainly. Yet the root issue may be attachment — not feeling a sense of belonging or security or “roots”.

When someone struggles with this kind of issue, they may not be easily able to say what is wrong, or else the issue is so painful that it is not easy to face head-on. So the individual avoids it. Such an issue around belonging can lead to all kinds of avoidant behaviour, such as struggles with addictions, and avoidance of commitment and connection with others.

Yet what we really need to continue our journey to wholeness is a sense of rootedness and connectedness to significant individuals in our lives, to social groups and to a place where we belong. Jungians would refer to all these things as being connected to the archetype of home.

Finding Healing Through Belonging

To begin to answer the question “Where do I belong?” may first of all involve facing the ways in which we feel disconnected, or feel that we don’t belong. For a good number of people, this can be quite painful. To look at this part of our lives can sometimes require quite a bit of courage.

Simultaneously, we might well need to acknowledge that we have a deep yearning to be connected, and to belong. Acknowledging the degree to which this is true can also be difficult.

These are areas that I can begin to look at on my own, and I can begin to move forward in terms of finding connection. Yet there may be immense benefit in engaging with a supportive therapeutic relationship, such as depth psychotherapy to assist in this process. Working with a therapist can be a supportive relationship that helps immensely in opening the sensitive and important aspects of the question, “Where do I belong?” — and that leads toward fulfilling answers.

Brian  Collinson, Registered Psychotherapist and Jungian Analyst


© 2019 Brian Collinson, 2238 Constance Drive Oakville, Ontario (near Mississauga)

PHOTOS: Borja García de Sola Fernández (Creative Commons Licence)

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“Why Can’t I be Happy?” — Is Happiness the Goal?

April 9th, 2019 · why can't I be happy

“Why can’t I be happy?” is such a dynamite question. The goal seems so simple — and yet it’s so elusive! What are we to make of it?

why can't i be happy
Do I have to do something EXOTIC to be happy?…
Poets, philosophers, theologians, statespersons — have all struggled with the question of abiding happiness. Yet the answer seems to be very difficult to find. Why do we find it so hard to be solidly, consistently happy? And what, if anything, can we do about it?

The Problem of Happiness

One of the basic problems that we face when it comes to happiness, is figuring out what it even is. Clearly, it can’t just mean being in a happy mood all the time. Human moods vary greatly, and no one can expect to be in a positive mood always

And yet, in our culture, we’re all continually bombarded with the message that that’s exactly what we should expect. Whether it’s advertising for automobiles, pizza, new homes or even toilet paper, the message is that we should just be happy all the time — and the implication is that buying XYZ product will help us get to that state of continual positive mood.

When we reflect on how realistic such implied messages are, we can’t help concluding that they don’t correspond to the realities of human life — we know that. Yet the continual bombardment by such messages has a subtly persuasive power. We can easily end up feeling that our lives ought to look like that, and that there’s something wrong with them if they don’t.

Chasing Phantom “Happiness”

People can and do devote themselves to chasing the endlessly elusive will o’ the wisp of being in a perpetually good mood. Sometimes this takes the form of unending pursuit of the right possessions, or the perfect travel experiences, or the “just perfect” home. There are billions and billions of dollars spent in the advertising industry to foster the desire for this eternally elusive goal, and to keep us pursuing it through getting the right product or right experience.

Over the years, I’ve had quite a number of people sit in my office, and earnestly ask themselves the exact question in the title of this post: “Why can’t I be happy?” And what they meant by that question was, why can’t I have that buoyant, wonderful, “feel good” moment — all the time? The tragic aspect of this is that we can spend our whole lives searching for this eternally elusive, ephemeral state — and miss out on things in life that are attainable, which do bring us genuinely good things, and we may end up mired in anxiety and depression.

Often people going through major life transitions find that this question of happiness takes on great importance. When we’re forced to look at the path of our lives in very significant ways, the question of what it’s all for can become crucial.

Lasting Value — What Really Matters

Fulfillment in life is not normally found in in chasing those eternally elusive “feel good” moments. It’s rooted in things that are deeper and more lasting, and that may take quite long time to cultivate.

C.G. Jung emphasized the importance of finding meaning in life over transitory happiness, as in his famous statement,

The least of things with a meaning is worth more in life than the greatest of things without it.

~ C.G. Jung

Elsewhere, Jung wonders whether there is any objective thing that can be called happiness, or whether it is entirely subjective. On the other hand, the “positive psychologists” such as Martin Seligman stress that “happiness” doesn’t consist of simply having a positive mood, but rather that it is a state of well-being that encompasses a life of quality, where there is a strong sense of meaning, and of deep satisfactions. What is striking, though, is that you probably couldn’t find two more different psychologists than Jung and Seligman and yet they both stress this need to cultivate meaning and satisfactions that run deep in life.

Cultivating what is meaningful and full of satisfaction is an endeavour we can all embark on. Beginning to stop listening to the voices of others and the media that tell us what we “should” do, and beginning to find those satisfactions and meanings that matter specifically, uniquely to ourselves, is a wonderful place to start. The beginning of a meaningful answer to the question, “Why can’t I be happy?” will likely start with getting to know who I am, and what is meaningful to me, much, much better.

As you explore this vital area, you may find, as I did, that you need concrete help to find what you need on your journey to wholeness. This may well involve working with a depth psychotherapist who can help you explore yourself, in both your conscious and unconscious dimensions, enabling you to move toward clarity about what depth, satisfaction and meaning are for you.

Brian  Collinson, Registered Psychotherapist and Jungian Analyst


© 2019 Brian Collinson, 2238 Constance Drive Oakville, Ontario (near Mississauga)

PHOTOS: Borja García de Sola Fernández (Creative Commons Licence)

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Personality: How Jungian Typology Shapes Your Life – PART 2

April 1st, 2019 · Jungian typology

Jungian typology of personality — the basis of the Myers-Briggs personality test — helps us better understand our whole journey through life.

Jungian typology
As we began to examine in the first part of this series, if we’re willing to really reflect on the meaning of our personality type, it can tell us a great deal about where we’re likely going in our lives. It can also tell us a lot about what we need to find to feel more whole or complete.

Opposites: The Problem of Understanding Others

One powerful way in which we become aware of the impact of Jungian typology is in interacting with people whose personality type is different from our own. As we indicated in the last post, many of the attributes of personality type are true opposites. For instance, thinking and feeling, and introversion and extroversion are completely opposed pairs.

So, we begin to experience what it really means to be, for instance, a strong feeling type, when we encounter someone who is a strong thinking type. Such a person might well seem utterly different from myself. Where I might judge or evaluate everything by the way I react to it subjectively, this other person might evaluate things on whether they’re “logical” or whether they “make sense”. That might seem very cold to me! And, it might seem very strange!

If, on top of that, you had the added dimension of the other person being an introvert, where I am very strongly an extrovert, and it might seem almost incomprehensible! Sometimes, such an opposite person might seem almost repellant. On the other hand, there might be a strange, strong attraction. More than a few strong romantic connections can be explained by the old story that “opposites attract”!

But then, that leads us to another mystery: what is it in me that is attracted to the opposite thing in the other person?

Jungian typology
What???

The Problem of Understanding Ourselves

As we look more at others, we may find ourselves becoming more aware of the problem of understanding ourselves. For instance, I may find myself strongly attracted to, or admiring of people with a different personality type than mine. Yet I can be aware that I am completely different from these people, with different values. So, what is it in us that is attracted to their style of approaching social interactions and relating to themselves and the world?

Here is where the other can actually be a clear and powerful mirror of myself. For I may well find that there is something in the other person that I yearn to find in myself. In fact… it could well be that what the feeling type finds attractive in the thinking type is his or her own underdeveloped capacity for thinking, and vice versa!

Now, if I’m a feeling type, thinking type, or some other, I may well have powerful reactions to my psychological opposite. I may be fascinated by it, attracted to it — or, utterly revolted. But it can be very important for me to understand my own personality type, as well as its opposite, because I likely carry that opposite within me, in my unconscious.

We may find that, if we don’t acknowledge our own weak feeling, or weak thinking, it can emerge in surprising and unwelcome ways. The thinking type may find him- or herself subject to moods that he or she can’t explain or shake off. The feeling type may find her- or himself subject to obsessive thoughts that just won’t go away. We need to acknowledge these ignored and perhaps disrespected parts of ourselves, if we’re to continue our journey to wholeness.

Jungian Typology and The Undiscovered Self

So, exploring our Jungian typology and our personality type can lead us into new and unexpected kinds of self-understanding. It can help us get into relationship with what Jung called “the undiscovered Self”.

This exploration of personality type can be a very important part of the work of depth psychotherapy. Working in the supportive environment of Jungian therapy with a highly trained and supportive guide can be an excellent way to explore all the aspects of personality type including those parts that are less developed. It can be a great way to acknowledge and come to accept all the different parts of the greater Self.

Brian  Collinson, Registered Psychotherapist and Jungian Analyst


© 2019 Brian Collinson, 2238 Constance Drive Oakville, Ontario (near Mississauga)

PHOTOS: Borja García de Sola Fernández (Creative Commons Licence)

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How to Deal with Change During Major Life Transitions

March 25th, 2019 · adapting to change, how to deal with change

We live in a time of rapid flux, but major life events, especially, can leave us wondering how to deal with change.

how to deal with change

We’re always dealing with rapid changes on an on-going basis in our time. But those changes can become particularly demanding when they’re part of a major life transition.
Just what are these “major life transitions” that we’re talking about? They can be a very wide range of things, good or bad. Here is a very partial list:
  • leaving school or university;
  • retirement;
  • marriage or divorce;
  • children leaving home;
  • changes in job or work environment; and,
  • many other types of major life change…

The Struggle with Uncertainty and Feeling Powerless

A key part of the difficulty that major life transitions create for us stems from the uncertainty they generate. When we go through a major life transition, we may well confront a situation where we can’t be fully sure what will happen.

We know that our mind may well fill in the uncertainty with a great deal of negative foreboding. Modern research has shown that the mind tends to intensely dislike uncertain situations. Evolution has taught us that uncertainty equals danger, and our biology is strongly motivated to avoid uncertain situations — the so called negativity bias identified by U. Penn. Prof. Paul Rozin and others.

Uncertainty biases the brain to expect the worst of possible outcomes. Therefore, anything we can do to build a sense of certainty and control in dealing with a major life transition enhances our sense of “being in the driver’s seat”. That reduces our inward predisposition to pessimism and impotence.

Yet, what about the situations in life where there is genuine uncertainty that simply can’t be managed or controlled away?

How to Manage Change — Accepting the Limits of Our Control

It can be very easy to tell ourselves that we have a major life transition under control, when we’re dealing with it. However, it can be vitally important to recognize when it’s not.

For instance, we may move toward parenthood, divorce or retirement feeling strongly that we have a plan, and that everything is under control. We work hard on carrying our plan out. Yet we may find that there are times when things just don’t follow the plan.

There may be a time when we have to admit that we can’t completely anticipate or control what is happening. To live in denial may ultimately make our situation worse, compounding anxiety and depression.

Being Grounded in What Really Matters

Often the uncertainty created by major life changes can be difficult and painful. Yet, as Jungian James Hollis reminds us, these crises take us into the unexplored parts of ourselves. Often they can lead us to the realization that we have outgrown our old view of ourselves, and the story that we have told ourselves about our lives. They can make us realize that we need a new and different understanding of who we are.

It’s essential to understand and be compassionate with ourselves as we seek to figure out how to deal with change. This is especially true when that change deals with something truly important in our lives, as is always the case with major life transitions.

Working with a depth psychotherapist can be an important way to increase a sense of compassion for yourself, and can also be a positive source of help in the midst of dealing with a major life transition. Depth psychotherapy can bring a renewed understanding of who we are, and can assist with new approaches to the challenges brought by major life changes.

Brian  Collinson, Registered Psychotherapist and Jungian Analyst


© 2019 Brian Collinson, 2238 Constance Drive Oakville, Ontario (near Mississauga)

PHOTOS: Borja García de Sola Fernández (Creative Commons Licence)

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How Does Your Personality Type Affect Your Life? PART ONE

March 18th, 2019 · Jungian personality type, Personality type

Understanding your personality type can have an enormous impact on the way you live your life.

The Many Shades of Personality!
Many people have encountered the Myers-Briggs Personality Typology through work or schooling. They often don’t realize that it’s based on the ground-breaking work that C.G. Jung did around personality type as far back as the 1920s. They also often don’t realize how revolutionary and transformative Jung’s understanding of personality type truly is.
This is the first in a series of blog posts exploring the deeper meaning of personality type and how it profoundly impacts the entire way that each of us inhabits our lives.

Fundamentally Different Approaches to the World

People of different personality types take in the world in different ways. Jung’s theory of personality types seeks to help us distinguish the different fundamental components of our consciousness.

If we start with the two attitudes, introversion and extroversion, they represent two fundamentally different ways of being. As Jungian analyst Andrew Samuels tells us, if you’re an introvert, you’re someone who is stimulated and energized by the internal world. If you’re an extrovert, you’re stimulated and energized by the external world. These are two utterly different things, and you could expect the life journey of a strong extrovert to look very different than that of a strong introvert.

In the Jungian personality typology, each individual also has a primary function, which is one of sensation, thinking, feeling or intuition. As Jungian analyst Daryl Sharp indicates,

Thinking refers to the process of cognitive thought, sensation is perception by means of the physical sense organs, feeling is the function of subjective judgment or valuation, and….through intuition we have a sense of [a thing’s] possibilities.

Daryl Sharp, C.G. Jung Lexicon

If a person’s primary function is one of these four, his fundamental way of taking in the world will differ dramatically from an individual of the other three types.

Personality Type: A Dance of Opposites

Aspects of personality type aren’t just different. Many of them are actually fundamentally opposed to each other. This means that it may be very difficult for me to understand an introvert, if I’m an extrovert — or vice versa. Or, it may be very hard to relate to a person whose “superior” (i.e., most developed) function is feeling, if my superior function is thinking.

Yet, there may be a great deal of value in trying to understand personality types that are very different than our own, just as there is great value in really seeking to understand our own personality. Often, we can feel a strong attraction to personalities that are very different from our own, because on some deep, probably largely unconscious level we are drawn to those who have the characteristics we most lack. Thus the age-old saying that, in romantic relationships, opposites attract! Depth psychotherapists are very aware of how true this can be, and are aware of the opportunities — and complexities — that this can bring to relationships.

Personality Type and Self-Acceptance

Awareness of our personality type can be very important in enabling our acceptance of ourselves. In each culture, there are particular aspects of personality that are prized, and which are given particular emphasis and importance.

In Canada, for instance, extroversion has tended to be prized and valued over introversion. This is even more true among our neighbours to the south in the United States! This can often mean that introverted people in such a culture can end up feeling that there is something basically wrong with them, that they are somehow “odd” or “off” or “weird”. It can be a tremendously liberating thing to have an explanation for why we are the way we are, and to realize that that way of being has unique strengths.

Understanding, accepting and cherishing our personality type can be a very important part of understanding and welcoming all that we are. While we can learn a great deal about our personality type on our own there can be immense value and immense assistance on our journey toward wholeness through work with a Jungian depth psychotherapist.

With every good wish for your journey!

Brian  Collinson, Registered Psychotherapist and Jungian Analyst


© 2019 Brian Collinson, 2238 Constance Drive Oakville, Ontario (near Mississauga)

PHOTOS: Borja García de Sola Fernández (Creative Commons Licence)

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