Journeying Toward Wholeness

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Hiding Depression, Part 2: the Signs of Hidden Depression

March 29th, 2021 · signs of hidden depression

As we saw in Part 1 of this series, hiding depression genuinely is a thing that we can end up doing. But, where does it hide, and what does that do to us?

PHOTO: Stock Photo Secrets

Depression can often appear in hidden forms, and, in a substantial number of cases, it may even be hidden from the awareness of the person who has it. So, when we’re hiding depression, what does it actually look like? What are the signs of hidden depression?

The Many Forms of Depression

There are many possible signs of hidden depression. Some of the more visible indicators are described below.

Changed patterns of sleeping, eating and drinking. Often hidden depression can manifest when a person sleeps, eats or drinks in a manner that is unusual for that person. This can entail sleeping or eating in unusual patterns or unusual amounts—either too much or too little. Similarly, if you catch yourself drinking in unusual amounts, or at unusual times, it might be important to see if this is related to anxiety or depression.

Forced “Happiness”. If you become aware that you’re wearing a strained “happy face”, or that you’re trying very hard to appear happy when you’re in the company of others, you might be engaged in “forced happiness”. Similarly, if you find that you’re trying to avoid spending too long with people, it might be important to ask if this is because you don’t want them to see your real mood.

Feeling continuously tired. Very frequently, those who are struggling with depression experience a state of near-continual exhaustion. Even if they have regular sleep, they may wake up feeling exhausted. Lacking another explanation, people may even blame themselves, and feel that they must be hopelessly lazy, or some other character flaw.

Preoccupied with “deep questions”. Don’t get me wrong: asking deep questions about life can be a very important thing to do! Yet, if you find yourself preoccupied with questions like “What’s it all about?” or “Does anything really matter?”, and you’re a person who doesn’t usually get engaged by these kinds of questions, it might be important to ask—what’s going on? It may be that you’re experiencing some signs of hidden depression. Simultaneously, it may also mean that you’re undergoing a major life transition, and there’s a need to really look at questions of value, purpose and meaning, which Jungian depth psychotherapists often see as an essential part of soul work.

Feeling things more intensely than normal. If you have hidden depression, you may find yourself experiencing emotions more intensely than you normally would. You might find yourself feeling sadness or anger or even attachment to others in uncharacteristic ways. If you do, it’s important to ask yourself if you’re finding yourself emotionally “triggered” in ways that are not usual for you.

Less optimistic than normal. It may also be that you find it harder to muster optimism than you have at previous times in your life. People who are depressed definitely tend to have a less rosy appraisal of life in general. If you note that your perspective is seeming to be more jaded than usual, it may be an indicator that you have some measure of depression.

Beyond Secret Depression

As Jungian analyst James Hollis tells us, in depression,

Life’s energy, life’s intentionality is thwarted, denied, violated… Life is warring against life….”

To begin to move beyond this thwarting, it’s necessary to become conscious of our depression, and to stop hiding it from ourselves. When we pass this milestone, we are starting to come to terms with our own real lives.

When we recognize the signs of hidden depression in our own approach to life, what begins to opens up is the opportunity to explore our feeling life together with the chance to extend compassion to the deeply wounded and unrealized aspects of ourselves that may lie beneath the surface of our depression. Andrew Samuels reminds us that Jung recognized that depression can be a damming up of psychic energy. When that damming up is eliminated, the energy released is available for creativity and life.

Many people find that working with a supportive Jungian depth psychotherapist can be an effective way to both understand the feeling dimension of depression and to move past the signs of hidden depression into a fuller experience of life.

Wishing you every good thing on your journey towards wholeness,

Brian Collinson, Registered Psychotherapist and Jungian Analyst

© 2021 Brian Collinson, 2238 Constance Drive Oakville, Ontario (near Mississauga)

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Are You Hiding Depression? Possibly Even from Yourself?

March 22nd, 2021 · hiding depression

Hiding depression? Is that a thing? Do people actually do that? The truth is that we certainly can do that, and sometimes, we can even hide our depression from ourselves.

PHOTO: Stock Photo Secrets

Depression can be a many-sided thing. It can appear in many different shapes and forms, some of which can even fool or surprise experts. As UK psychiatrist Rebecca Lawrence asserts “Is [the hidden depressive’s] depression as real, or as valid, because they manage to go to work, to smile, even to crack a joke? I think it is.”

This is a different perspective than the one that typical stereotypes of depression would suggest. Rather than the sad, emotionally flat and energy-less images we might have of depression, the person who is hiding depression might well appear to be as lively, energetic and socially engaged as anyone else, and yet such a person might be harbouring unseen depression.

What could be going on in the inner life of such a person, who “presents”, as they say, in a way that is so much at odds with what is really going on in their inner life? Dr. Lawrence offers us an important insight:

[D]oes that mean they suffer less when smiling? No: in fact, the strain of keeping up appearances, the weight of a misplaced sense of responsibility to others, can be one of the most onerous aspects of mental ill health.

Dr. Rebecca Lawrence, “When depression wears a smile”, The Guardian, 18 March, 2021

This offers us an important insight: if we’re hiding depression, we may well be doing it for the other people in our lives. This misplaced sense of duty or care has the potential to do us serious and undeserved harm.

Am I Hiding Depression?

For some people who are dealing with the reality of hidden depression, the answer to the question “Am I hiding depression?” will be obvious. These individuals know that they are hiding depression from co-workers or people that they love. This hiding is done to protect these people, to keep things in a good place in the work place, or for some other consciously chosen reason. Yet there are many other people who are either semi-conscious or completely unaware of their own depression.

How do I know whether I’m hiding depression? Well, there are several common characteristics exhibited by individuals who are struggling with depression that is hidden.

People with hidden depression can often be perfectionistic. They are often people who set a very high bar for themselves in many areas of life. They have a sense of constantly measuring themselves against expectations—and there’s an inner critic ready to lacerate them with intense shame if they fall short.

People with hidden depression can actually often be “rigidly positive”. They can feel a strong face of shame or failure if they are anything other than unfailingly positive and optimistic. It can often be that any attitude of kindness to oneself, or acknowledging any of the difficulty or pain in one’s life is prohibited by a rigid, shaming inner critic.

Facing or expressing painful emotions can often be difficult for some one who is hiding depression. Sadness, anger, disappointment and grief often are all “no go zones” for the individual with hidden depression.

People hiding depression can have a very high need to feel that a situation is under control, and can feel intense anxiety when it is not. There is a very strong drive to feel in control, which individuals may keep very well hidden. Such a person may tend to worry a lot, and avoid situations where they cannot be in control.

An individual with hidden depression can have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility. This means that the individual certainly has no trouble taking responsibility for things—but can all too easily end up blaming themselves.

Being Honest with Others—and with Myself

When people are hiding depression, it can be a real challenge to be fully honest and vulnerable with other people. It can also be really difficult sometimes to be fundamentally honest with themselves about their actual mood state. Yet it can be fundamentally important to listen to what others are saying about how we seem to them. Even more basically, it may be important to listen to ourselves, on all kinds of levels.

This certainly means stopping and trying to gain an understanding of how we really feel about things. Taking a few minutes to check in with yourself on a daily basis may be essential, including noticing things like energy levels, whether appetite is normal, length and quality of sleep, and just basically asking yourself how you’re feeling about things—and giving yourself an honest answer. Some people find that journalling every day on what is happening in their lives and how they feel about it can be an invaluable tool.

Staying in touch with yourself, dialoging with yourself… This may all be new territory. Yet it may have a lot of life in it.

If I’m Hiding Depression, What Can I Do About It?

If you’re concerned that you’re hiding depression, it can be a very good thing to speak about that concern with someone whom you really trust. Sometimes, it can be very valuable to talk to a relatable, knowledgeable and supportive counsellor or therapist, such as a Jungian depth psychotherapist. (NOTE: If you are in need of immediate support, please contact your local distress line. In my area, that is Distress Line Halton 905-849-4541) It can be of tremendous value to speak with someone who validates you, and who affirms that your feelings are important and worthy of respect.

Exploring those feelings and what your deepest, even unconscious, self has to show you about the threads of meaning and energy in your life can be vital. It can certainly help immensely in opening up what lies beyond hiding depression—moving on the journey towards wholeness.

Brian Collinson, Registered Psychotherapist and Jungian Analyst

© 2021 Brian Collinson, 2238 Constance Drive Oakville, Ontario (near Mississauga)

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Coping with Changes in Life in This Demanding Time

March 15th, 2021 · changes in life

Major changes in life, or major life transitions are always a challenge but this particular time makes them even more so.

PHOTO: Stock Photo Secrets

In this context, I’m using the term “changes in life” in quite a broad way. These might be changes that are imposed on us externally, by, say, a job change. Or they might be changes that seem to come from a more internal place like the transition that comes in midlife, or the transition into life as a older adult.

The major changes in life have always been matters of deep concern to human beings for as long as we have been human. One of the reasons our distant ancestors developed rituals and rites of passage was to enable human beings to better cope with change, as the noted French anthropologist Arnold van Gennep illustrated in the early twentieth century.

It’s not just unexpected changes that can be demanding or difficult. Even changes that we expect and plan for can cause us upheaval and stress. Also, it’s not only changes that we would interpret as bad that can cause us a great deal of stress. Changes that we would interpret as good can also be very demanding. For example, an individual may have wanted the opportunity to move to a certain favourite city or location for a long time, yet when it comes, the process of moving there can prove demanding and stressful.

Facing Changes in Life Now

In addition to all the other changes in life that we encounter, we are currently still living with the pandemic lockdown. The end of this situation may be in sight, but it’s not over just yet, and we continue to deal with its unique stresses. All the major life transitions that we’re undergoing are occurring against the backdrop of the most impactful outbreak of disease in over a hundred years.

This has a big effect, as I’m very aware from my experience with clients in this time. Situations that would be very demanding at any time can easily seem unmanageable against the backdrop of society-wide stress and trauma. Individuals are facing very important life issues such as: relationships undergoing change; the shift in priorities that often accompanies midlife; the loss of loved ones; issues around vocation and what is fundamentally meaningful in life, and many other things. Often people can find that situations that, at least until recently, seemed fundamentally containable and manageable are not feeling that way any longer.

People currently facing such changes in life can easily feel that their particular ways of coping are exhausted, and that they are experiencing considerable anxiety and depression. They’re aware of needing something different, but they’re not sure what it could be.

Powering Through?

One of the things that we all have a tendency to do when we are confronted with a type of life change that seems insurmountable is to just try and “power through”. We can easily feel that, somehow, if we just keep on doing what we always done, maybe a little more intensively, the situation will be fine, and all will be well.

Often, this kind of response amounts to a form of psychological denial of what it is that we’re living through. It can easily amount to simply acting as if the change was not occurring. In the long run, it’s highly unlikely that this kind of response is going to do anything other than make the situation worse.

Well, is there anything else that we can do to cope with a changing situation, other than just hoping to “power through”? There are a number of kinds of awareness that it can be helpful to have as we move through major changes.

For instance, we need to stay in the awareness that major changes in life almost always create puzzlement and disorientation. We thought that we knew the rules! It turns out now that things are not so predictable.

Finding ways to connect with other supportive people can be very valuable for us in the midst of change. This is harder in the midst of the pandemic, but there are ways to do it that are worth exploring.

A third important thing to do is to practice self-care. Finding things to do that really feel like taking care of yourself are particularly important. This can include exercise, meditation, and also depth psychotherapy.

Compassion for Our Changing Selves

A fourth and vital thing is to be self-compassionate, and to avoid judging yourself. It may take some doing to get our inner critic quieted down in times of intense changes in life, because it’s easy in times of intense change to feel that something is wrong, and all too easy to believe that what is wrong is really us—when we may well be doing our very best to manage unpredictable change.

As human beings, it’s also essential for our well-being that we are able to make some kind of meaning out of the change. Often, this can be where symbols and messages from the unconscious psyche can be of great assistance. For many, working with an empathetic and supportive depth psychotherapist at a time of major life transition can be a valuable form of self-compassion.

With very best wishes on your journey of change and growth,

Brian Collinson, Registered Psychotherapist and Jungian Analyst

© 2021 Brian Collinson, 2238 Constance Drive Oakville, Ontario (near Mississauga)

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Personal Care and Compassion for Self in a Demanding Time

March 9th, 2021 · compassion for self

This post will be quite a lot briefer than my usual posts, because I’m away from the office for a couple of days, engaging in some activities involving compassion for self.

Photo: Stock Photo Secrets

I felt that it was important to take a couple of days with a different rhythm, because I’ve been pretty busy over the last while. So, I’m catching up on a couple of professional requirements, and also taking time to do some things that are concretely for me.

As I’m taking this time, I’m reflecting quite a bit on compassion for self. It’s a phrase that we hear quite frequently in therapy and other circles nowadays, with many therapists, self-help authors and authorities of different types urging us to have compassion for self. On the whole, it seems to me that this emphasis is a very good thing.

The very best of therapy has always emphasized self compassion (as Jung certainly did). Yet the fact that now it’s talked about as much as it is means that we’ve become more consciously aware, and more intentional.

It’s good for us to talk about self compassion, but it’s even more important to ask what we’re actually going to do about it. It’s important to value ourselves by taking concrete steps that turn that value into action. What will you do to make your compassion for self a reality in your life? This is a question that takes on particular importance as we emerge from the demanding times of the pandemic.

For some people, it can be an essential kind of self compassion to seek to explore themselves, through a supportive depth psychotherapy relationship. Whatever you do, make sure that it’s something that reflects a kind and appreciative attitude to yourself.

I look forward to being back to regular blogging, continuing on themes of hope and resilience, next week.

With very best wishes for your personal journey,

Brian Collinson, Registered Psychotherapist and Jungian Analyst

© 2021 Brian Collinson, 2238 Constance Drive Oakville, Ontario (near Mississauga)

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Where Do We Find Psychological Resilience in Tough Times?

February 22nd, 2021 · psychological resilience

“Psychological resilience during tough times” may seem like a pat slogan in the midst of our current difficulties. Yet it refers to something incredibly important.

Photo by sabrina c on (Creative Commons Licence)

Psychological resilience is important in any phase of life. However in a moment like the present, where there are particular difficulties and things we have to endure as a result of the lockdown, this is especially true.

Nearly everyone is experiencing some difficulty and hardship as a result of the fallout from COVID-19. However, it’s certainly true that some people are faring better with what they’re facing than others. This can be due to factors that the individual can’t control, such as genetics, the experiences that the individual had in early life, and just plain luck. But are there many factors that the individual can control, that will help her or him to come through demanding experiences in better shape?.

Things That Make a Difference

If we never have any adversity in our lives, we’ll never know whether we’re resilient or not. However, if we do face real difficulty, we face the question of how it will affect us, and how we’ll cope with it.

It turns out that there are quite a number of things that we can do that would help us get to a more resilient place. There are, as stated above, a large number of factors that come down to genetics or luck. Yet there are other elements that have to do with fundamental attitudes that we take towards our lives and the things that happen to us. The research of developmental psychologist UCLA Davis Prof. Emmy Werner and others shows that contrary to what we might expect, a significant number of people who are subject to high risk / high stress environments, actually don’t succumb to their difficulties.

The reason that they have psychological resilience has to do with how they respond to their environment. In Werner’s words, these individuals choose to “meet the world on their own terms.” They function in an autonomous manner, able to think for themselves and to be self-reliant. Yet they remain positively disposed toward others. They also remain open to new experiences, and seek them out. Perhaps most importantly, though, these individuals retain what Prof. Julian Rotter called an “internal locus of control”: a fundamental belief that it is themselves and not their outer circumstances, that ultimately determines how things turn out in their lives.

Meaning, Hope and Resilience

This fits well with a famous saying of C.G. Jung’s:

I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.

C.G. Jung

This axiom of Jungian psychotherapy is very important for our particular time. As our society struggles to come to terms with the pandemic, it can very easily feel that our “locus of control” has shifted from somewhere inside of ourselves to somewhere outside—to medical experts, to politicians, even to the disease itself. We can end up feeling like our fate is completely in the hands of external forces that may seem largely indifferent to our real needs and aspirations.

At this time, and at every time, it’s very important to feel that that we have control in the way our lives turn out. We need a strong sense that difficult or traumatic events or experiences of setback and failure don’t overcome us and suck away our life energy. How do we stay in a place of feeling in control of our lives?

How Can I Get to a More Resilient Place?

There are some very specific things that we can do that will help us to feel more in control. To begin with, here is a list of fairly straightforward “doable” things:

  • getting outside of the house more;
  • increasing your level of physical exercise;
  • connect more with family, friends and loved ones;
  • get more good quality sleep and improve your sleep hygiene (e.g., cut caffeine, cut evening use of bright screens); and,
  • limit your intake of news to manageable amounts.

In addition, for many people, staying more connected to their particular spirituality may be of real value. This could be through organized religion, spiritual reading, or practices such as yoga, meditation and active imagination—if those practices leave you with a sense of security and positive connection to something greater.

In addition, working with a depth psychotherapist can assist with alleviating depression, anxiety, and the pain of difficult experiences, trauma or attachment wounding that may originate from experiences in early childhood. It can also help with exploring what is trying to emerge at this time in your life, especially if you are going through a major life transition. It’s well worth considering as we continue to confront the emotional and psychological impact of the pandemic, but it really has value at many different points in the journey towards wholeness.

Wishing you all the very best on your life journey,

Brian Collinson, Registered Psychotherapist and Jungian Analyst

© 2021 Brian Collinson, 2238 Constance Drive Oakville, Ontario (near Mississauga)

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Genuine Connection and True Value in Life

February 8th, 2021 · value in life

Our recent experiences have given many people the opportunity to focus on the question of what has true value in life. The answer to that question may be tied very closely to the issue of genuine connection.

Photo by Frédérique Voisin-Demery on (Creative Commons Licence)

By ‘genuine connection”, I mean something that is fairly broad, and that involves a lot of fairly different types of connection. Yet what they all have in common is that they all involve reaching out beyond ourselves, or, at least, beyond the self that we so often may think of as being “me”.

We humans often have a very limited concept of what has value. We often think that what we value is based on our individual decision, or on the particular whims of the society in which we happen to find ourselves. Yet the truth runs much deeper than this.

A Crisis: Value in Life and Connection

We live in a time that celebrates individualism, which is not the same thing as cherishing individuation. There is all the difference in the world between an individualistic approach, which entails me pursuing my own advantage, regardless of the impact on others, and an individuation-based approach, which is focused on my exploration of myself and my unique characteristics in relation to others in my circle and in the world.

In our culture, we’re used to focusing on the needs and wants of the ego. As Jungian Andrew Samuels tells us, the ego is the conscious part of ourselves. It’s concerned with our individual personal identity as we usually define it, with maintaining ourselves over time, testing and sorting what is real from what is not, and so on. The ego has a certain understanding of who we are that is probably partly accurate and partly not. The ego may be strongly influenced by attitudes from our families, our schools, workplaces, media and the society as a whole.

That last point can be where we run into trouble, that may be related to great deal of depression and anxiety. We live in a society where untold billions of dollars are spent to try and influence our attitudes about what we want, and particularly where we should spend our money. This leads to an environment where what we want can be very strongly influenced by the marketplace, and there can be a subtle but strong pressure on us to want what everybody else wants. In the midst of this pressure, it can be easy to lose connection with our real desires at the deepest level, and, in fact, to lose contact with who and what we most fundamentally are.

I’m continually struck by the experiences of numbers of clients, particularly in midlife. These individuals tell me that they look back on certain choices that they have made in their lives, perhaps to go into a certain career, or perhaps to buy or not buy a house, or to embark on having a family, or to decide not to have a family, and they simply cannot understand the choice they made at that earlier point in their lives. “What was I thinking?” they ask me, “Who was I trying to please? It’s like I was in a daze or a trance….”

This kind of situation can occur when the ego is making decisions based on what it thinks its values are, at a particular point in the life journey. The lyrics of a song from the 1980s put it so well:

And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack / And you may find yourself in another part of the world / And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile / And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife / And you may ask yourself, “Well… how did I get here?” (Talking Heads, “Once in a Lifetime”)

We need connection to our true values, to the things that stay meaningful because they are fundamentally connected to who we most basically are.

Ego’s Delusion of Self-Sufficiency

In a somewhat similar way, in our culture, the ego can be lured by a false sense of self-sufficiency. Our culture holds out the ideal of the individual in such a way that it can certainly seem like what is valued is people who don’t really need anyone, who do everything independently and who are never really open or vulnerable.

While, in the past, it was males who were primarily subject to a pressure to adopt this kind of individualism, we see that in more recent times that women are now subject to the same pressures. Not so very many years ago, it used to be men in corporate workplaces who were subject to the pressure to put in long hours at the office, sacrificing time with children, partners and those they care about. Now, many women are subject to exactly the same demands. In fact, social distancing and working from home has been a wake up call to many people, as they become aware of just how much time at the office had come to dominate their waking lives.

In our culture, not only does the ego tend to rely on its values, rather than something more deeply rooted in the Self, but there is a tendency for the ego to lapse into an isolated self-sufficiency that actually diminishes the person. Given the values of our culture, we can easily fall into the expectation that disconnectedness, loneliness and isolation are the norm.

True Value in Life and Nourishing Connection

If you want to get connected to what you truly value in life, you have to dig a bit, reaching down into yourself, to connect with unexplored aspects of yourself, seeking to understand what for you has real value in life. This process could well involve looking at the values in the family you were raised in, as well as the values reflected in the ways in which you live. It will probably also entail looking at where you live, and how you spend your money, and on what you spend your time. It will almost certainly involve connecting with some deep parts of yourself in a new way.

Oddly enough, this process bears some real similarity with the process of opening up and being vulnerable to other people. Both types of connection involve opening yourself up for possibilities of connection not previously encountered, and a kind of flexibility and vulnerability. Jungian depth psychotherapists often emphasize that meeting previously unknown parts of ourselves can resemble meeting someone new—except that they’re parts of us, what Jung called “the undiscovered Self”.

Connecting with the undiscovered parts of ourselves, and finding our most fundamental values is all part of the journey towards wholeness, as is finding meaningful and authentic connection to others. The process of connecting with true value in life can be greatly enhanced through working with a Jungian depth psychotherapist.

With very best wishes for all your future journeys,

Brian Collinson, Registered Psychotherapist and Jungian Analyst

© 2021 Brian Collinson, 2238 Constance Drive Oakville, Ontario (near Mississauga)

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Power and Identity: Male Psychology During the Pandemic

February 1st, 2021 · male psychology

In the 2020s, male psychology was already facing many challenges. Then along came the pandemic, and brought home a lot of issues even more forcefully.

Photo: some rights reserved by Nicolás Boullosa on 
(Creative Commons Licence)

For quite a long time now, men have been dealing with the realities of a changing world. There was a time in our society when “the man’s role” was clearly defined by social consensus, and everyone understood what that role was. In more recent times, things have been less clear, and it has been harder for men to feel good about their identity as men.

A lot of men have a very strong investment in their role as providers, and a lot of men also place a very high premium on independence. This valuing of independence is no accident. Men in our culture are taught from a very early age that they’re supposed to be independent, and they’re supposed to solve their own problems. In addition, there’s evidence that men are taught to expect judgment and even hostility from other men if they indicate any inability to cope, or any need for support

Clearly, a lot of men are doing fine in our world. However, as Prof. Matt Englar-Carlson, Director for the Center for Boys and Men at Cal State, Fullerton puts it, summarizing his research, “There’s a lot of men out there who suffer, who go through a lot of difficulty and aren’t getting the support they need.”

The Pandemic and Male Psychology

The reality that “there are a lot of men out there” who need more support than they’re getting is brought home even more strongly by the pandemic, and all that it has meant for many men’s lives. The “traditional rules” for men in our culture include physical and emotional strength and toughness, not displaying emotions and taking care of things by yourself. When men are also confronted by the realities of the pandemic and the related issues we’re all facing, it creates a situation for many men that is extremely demanding.

Strength and independence are great things. There are situations in everyone’s life where the ability to to step up, take hold of an issue and deal with it on your own in a self-sufficient way is an extremely useful skill to have. However, there are also situations in which being unable to show your feelings, or to reach out for help can be very damaging. Quite a number of these situations, where there would be a great benefit in men being able to reach out for help, are occurring during this pandemic.

One of the big areas where we see is situations of job loss, or where individual’s jobs have gone from full to part-time, and other related changes. For many men at different life stages, this can be a great ordeal. Where an individual has seen himself as economically independent, and/or as someone who played a major role in meeting the economic needs of his family, such a sudden career change can have an enormous effect on a man.

Something else that can be extremely difficult is being more or less confined to home. Even if he is working full-time, it can be very trying for a man to see himself confined to a space in his home, quite possibly sharing it with others, and communicating with the external world via Zoom or email. If a man has valued the part of his life that enabled him to leave home, engage with the world, and then return, confinement can feel like he’s lost his place in the world, and even his male identity.

A man may also find himself dealing with anxiety or depression—not an uncommon experience in the middle of this pandemic. If a man has learnt that being independent—“being a man”—means that he can’t ask for help for his depression, then this can lead to very severe consequences.

Male Psychology: Towards a New Understanding

The pandemic may be creating many difficulties. However, one opportunity that may be indirectly emerging from it for many men is the opportunity to change their understanding of what it is to be male.

It may well no longer be possible for a man to respond to the present situation, and the personal difficulties that it is creating by doubling down on the “old school” approach to masculine identity. It may also not be possible for a man to remain emotionally contained, and self-sufficient, or even withdrawn as he confronts the challenges of the present. He may not be able to sustain living in denial about feelings of sorrow, grief, fear and other complex emotions. He may engage in a great deal of self-reproach and self-attack, because he cannot be the totally independent, self-sufficient, emotionally unaffected “lone ranger” figure of his ideal. He may well start to realize that such approach could have grave, even tragic consequences.

A Different Approach to Masculinity

If those things are true for a man, what’s the alternative? It may well be facing the feelings that have been pushed down into the unconscious, and possibly even experienced as illness or bodily pain. It may be recognizing deep needs for connection and support from others—both men and women—as he confronts the unique challenges of this time, and the major life transition that is embodied in them. It may be the time in a man’s journey toward wholeness when he confronts the shadow aspects of the Self—those parts of himself that he doesn’t wish to acknowledge. In doing so, he may come to a greater level of compassion and acceptance for himself, and a greater capacity for connection and intimacy with others.

Jungian depth psychotherapy can be an excellent way for a man to support his journey of self-exploration and self acceptance. A Jungian approach fosters the acceptance of all that we are, conscious and unconscious, and enables a man to find his own particular wisdom, and his own way of accepting and cultivating all that he is.

With best wishes for your personal journey,

Brian Collinson, Registered Psychotherapist and Jungian Analyst

© 2021 Brian Collinson, 2238 Constance Drive Oakville, Ontario (near Mississauga)

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Hope and Connection: Accepting the Other—and the Shadow

January 25th, 2021 · hope and connection

The phrase “hope and connection” feels very uplifting. It’s easy to feel strongly that “Yes, this is what we need now!” Surely, as we find our way through the pandemic, we yearn for—hope and connection.

Amanda Gorman at the Inauguration of U.S. President Biden

However, maintaining hope and connection can sometimes be a daunting thing. That’s because human beings are demanding, complex and imperfect. For many of us, accepting our own imperfection can be a painful and trying path. Yet, accepting the limitations of the other person can be just a whole other level of difficulty.

The poet Amanda Gorman, in her poem “The Hill We Climb”, explores hope, connection and community, and touches upon an important truth:

And yes we are far from polished / far from pristine / but that doesn’t mean we are / striving to form a union that is perfect / We are striving to forge a union with purpose

Amanda Gorman, “The Hill We Climb”

This describes the nature of human connection so well. We can’t have a union that is perfect; that would be inhuman. Yet we can strive intentionally to create connection with others—“a union with purpose”.

This intention to connect with others is a key element in any relationship where we consciously wish to enter into depth or sincere common purpose with others. It is true of the whole spectrum of connection, from a nation seeking to develop a sense of unity and common identity, to two people in a relationship seeking a genuine and intimate connection.

Hope and Connection: What Are We Seeking?

Here we are, in late January, 2021, in the midst of a lockdown which can seem perpetual. As we make our way through this anxiety-laden time, we yearn to find hope, and we yearn for connection with others. Yet, what do we mean by that? What is it that we actually want?

Hope is of central importance to us. As famed hope researcher Prof. C.R. Snyder asserts, hope affirms and keeps alive the possibility of a better future. Hope lives in an active, rather than a passive approach to life. Hope occurs when we’re moving and finding our way toward something, even if we see where we’re headed only very dimly.

Similarly, connection with others matters a great deal to us. As we feel so strongly in the isolation of this time. It’s important to realize that the sense of feeling connected with others has to do with the sense of sharing things with them, such as our deep thoughts, dreams and aspirations, our biggest fears, and our strongest feelings. When this kind of sharing occurs, it’s well-documented that there is very powerful activation of key centres in the brain, and key hormones get released. In Jungian terms, such connection between people is very “numinous”, meaning it has a very powerful, very hard to explain attraction.

We can readily see when these two things are combined—hope and connection—something very strong and potent occurs. When people are connected, and share their hopes, the bond can feel overwhelmingly positive.

Connection and Shadow

Yet hope and connection can also be a very heady, very dangerous combination. We may feel connected to someone, or may want to feel connected to someone, or some group of people, and this may lead us to having huge hopes for the relationship with no possible downside.

This is unlikely to be a sound basis for relationship. As C.G. Jung would tell us, that it doesn’t take the shadow into account. Jung defines shadow as that part of our personality that we don’t wish to acknowledge. In a relationship, the shadow can have a profound impact. The shadow of the other may be very hard for us to see, because they keep it hidden. Hence, we can idealize the other person or group, and see them as a perfect fit with what we want. We may be in for a big surprise when reality hits home.

We also keep our own shadow, the parts of ourselves that we don’t wish to acknowledge, hidden from others. It may come as a real surprise to them when they see our shadow. It may bring up the other’s own shadow in powerful ways such as petulance, rage and manipulation.

On the other hand, far from idealization, our own shadow may get projected on the other, leading us to see them as having negative qualities that they don’t possess. This is very commonly seen in the ways that various groups in society can end up being negatively stereotyped by others.

Union with Purpose

It would seem that the only way to genuinely experience hope and connection is through what Amanda Gorman describes as “union with purpose”. To put that another way, this involves working hard to see others—and ourselves—in the most realistic way possible. Then, within that realism, striving to discover hope that will carry us through the demanding but worthwhile goal of connecting with others who are different from us, and who have their own weaknesses.

The process of self acceptance, that allows us to accept our own shadow and weaknesses, and the shadow and weakness of others, is at the very heart of the process of Jungian depth psychotherapy.

Wishing you every good thing on your individual journey to wholeness,

Brian Collinson, Registered Psychotherapist and Jungian Analyst

© 2021 Brian Collinson, 2238 Constance Drive Oakville, Ontario (near Mississauga)

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When Does A Lie Hurt Me the Worst? When I’m Lying to Myself

January 18th, 2021 · lying to myself

Photo: some rights reserved by wuestinigel on 
(Creative Commons Licence)

In our time, we’re deeply concerned with truth and lies. Often there are fiercely different, competing versions of the truth. Yet the greatest danger occurs, not when others lie to me, but when I’m lying to myself.

Many people might find this last observation to be very puzzling. “We live in a world full of horrible deception!” they protest. “Look at the level of lying that is perpetrated by our highest political leaders, or by those in positions of power in giant corporations. Or consider the lies that nations tell about their intentions and about what’s really going on in the world? How could you possibly say that our capacity for “lying to myself” is more damaging or more immoral that that?

Yet I believe that what I claim is true. Lying to ourselves can be more dangerous and damaging than all of the above. The lies that we tell ourselves can end up disconnecting us from reality in ways that are incredibly dangerous and painful. Also, often, the “big lies” that are told by governments, totalitarian political parties or manipulative corporations are so destructive because they build on lies that we have told ourselves, where we find it too painful to face what is really the truth

What’s Going On When I’m Lying to Myself?

The expression “lying to ourselves” or lying to myself gets used fairly frequently, but what do we actually mean when we say it? As Harvard Prof. Michael I. Norton notes, it is “one of the most puzzling things humans do.” Empirical psychology provides a great deal of evidence that lying to ourselves, which psychology refers to as self-deception is a very, very frequent type of human behaviour. Here are a few examples of self-deception or lying to myself:

  • Willful Ignorance. One way to deceive myself is to simply avoid learning the facts. E.g., if I don’t want to face the fact that my brother-in-law earns more money than me, I can simply avoid looking at what houses cost in the area he lives in.
  • Denial. In the face of facts that are very hard to confront or bear, people can tell themselves, “It isn’t really happening”
  • False Self-Image. We can all hold on to a lot of illusions about our attributes and abilities, in an effort to boost our self-esteem.
  • Cherry Picking Facts. When we want to convince ourselves of something, it can be easy to focus on the facts that support it, and ignore the facts that tend to refute it.

These are only a few of the many ways in which we can engage in self-deception. Now, we don’t tend to think of them as “ways I’m lying to myself”. But doesn’t mean that they aren’t.

The Hidden Hazards of Self-Deception

Some commentators emphasize that there can be situations where there is genuine benefit in lying to myself. For instance, the person who is in denial about a traumatic state of affairs may need that denial, for a time, to keep from being completely undone by the situation. Nonetheless, self-deception can lead to a great many painful and dangerous situations.

Self deception, “lying to myself” is often a big component in addictive behaviours. An individual may tell themselves that they aren’t addicted or that they “can’t help it”, or any of a number of other lies that just keep the addiction going. Similarly, we may all tell ourselves lies when the alternative is accepting a truth that is altogether too threatening or painful.

For instance, Jungian analyst Murray Stein describes how, as can often occur, a person faces a very difficult and defeating situation in the middle years of their life. Rather than accepting what has happened and starting to chart a new course for themselves as a part of a healthy midlife transition, the individual tells him- or herself that nothing has changed:

Who has not known a [person] whose climb to the top was to everyone but [him- or herself] decisively halted, yet who kept dressing up to go to work and forcing [herself] to believe that this was only a pause in the ascent, as [she] continued pursuing the same goal, all the while being profoundly uncommitted to it…? ~Murray Stein, In Midlife

As we can see, in midlife, or in any major life transition, self deception can be a powerful disruptor of our individuation process, the vital journey to becoming and expressing who we really are at the most fundamental level.

Self-Compassion and the Truth

The truth can be hard, yet compassion for oneself is rooted in what Jungian analyst John Beebe describes as a sense of “integrity in depth”. It’s only when we’re committed to the journey of being truthful to ourselves that we are truly embarked on the journey to wholeness. Jungian depth psychotherapy is fundamentally about this commitment to being truthful with oneself, to moving beyond lying to oneself, and to cultivating compassion—without apology—for who we really are.

Wishing you every good thing on your journey to wholeness,

Brian Collinson, Registered Psychotherapist and Jungian Analyst

© 2021 Brian Collinson, 2238 Constance Drive Oakville, Ontario (near Mississauga)

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Individuation, Individual Choice and Crowd Psychology

January 11th, 2021 · crowd psychology

This last week, along with all of our other challenges, we have had a stark object lesson in crowd psychology and the madness of crowds. How is this important for us, now?


Not surprisingly, I’m referring to the recent riot at the Capital in Washington, D.C. In this shocking event, many otherwise ordinary people were swept up by crowd psychology into a mass storming of the primary seat of legislative government in the U.S. This led to very graphic negative consequences. These included the deaths of five individuals and a collective sense of desecration shared by many Americans, and by pro-democracy people the world over.

Stress, High Emotion & Group Think

It’s a fact that, in times of great stress and anxiety, events like this riot are more likely to occur. When individuals are highly stressed, and there are powerful emotions at play, as was the case at this pro-Trump gathering, it becomes easier for individuals to get caught up in crowd psychology, and to surrender their own personal sense of judgment and decision-making to the mob. Such crowds can often be driven by the responses of a small group of possibly irrational and emotionally disturbed individuals. It is certainly often the case that such a mob will function at the lowest common denominator of morality and responsibility.

As we look at the recent events at the Capitol, we’re reminded of the words of Charles MacKay in his 1841 study of crowd psychology:

[People], it has been well said, think in herds; it will be seen that they go mad in herds, while they only recover their senses slowly, one by one.

MacKay, Charles, Extraordinary Popular Delusions and the Madness of Crowds [not to be confused with a much more recent book entitled simply “The Madness of Crowds”}

Collective Psychosis and the Need to “Hang Onto Ourselves”

C.G. Jung was well aware of this tendency in human beings, and watched from Switzerland as it played out with particular ferocity in Nazi Germany in the 1930s. In his writings he used the term “collective psychosis” to describe the way in which individuals are prone to surrendering their own intellect and feeling to the inferior, crude and often aggressive mindset of the crowd. As Jung famously put it, using the gender terms of his age,

…it is not famine, not earthquakes, not microbes, not cancer, but man [sic] himself who is man’s greatest danger to man, for the simple reason that there is no adequate protection against psychic epidemics.

One of the more poignant comments on the events at the Capitol came, unexpectedly, from former California Governor and movie superstar Arnold Schwartzenegger. Among other things, he movingly describes growing up in post-Nazi Austria, in the aftermath of the defeat of the Nazis. He describes the way that his father and many others of his age group, had been caught up in the rise of Nazism and misled by its lies and cruelties. He relates how they ended up as essentially broken men, living in great remorse, unable to escape the condemnation of their consciences for participating in something so horrific.

It’s easy to see how people could get caught up in the Nazi hysteria. Similarly, the Capitol rioters, many of whom are probably decent ordinary individuals, got caught up in something that turned ugly and went horribly out of control.

As noted above, this sort of distorted thinking and temporary loss of sanity often accompanies times of great stress, peril and uncertainty. As we face the difficulties of our current situation, how can we avoid falling into this kind of crowd- or mob-think?

What About Us, Now?

We Canadians could easily lapse into a sense of smug superiority and feel that the events that we’ve witnessed in the U.S. this week could never happen in “Our Home and Native Land”. That would be very naive. In times of great stress and uncertainty, the potential for losing ourselves in pack- or herd-think becomes much greater.

This could take the form of something as dramatic as the riot at the U.S. Capitol, but crowd psychology could also show up in forms that are less vivid, but perhaps no less destructive. One of the ways this appears is in black-and-white, us-and-them thinking of the kind that plays so great a role in political extremism, fanatic religious cults, and other groups that negate the value of the individual.

It could also include things as apparently innocuous as mindlessly giving in to pressure to conform from family, social group, neighbourhood or peer group. It even turns up in the kind of pandemic herd mentality that results in hoarding and irrational stockpiling of consumer items which are not in short supply, as UBC’s Prof. Steven Taylor has documented.

Jung emphasized that there is an impetus deep in each of us to individuate, to become conscious of our own individual nature, and to live in accord with “the law of our own being”. An important part of that work is to become as conscious as we possibly can of our own motivations and our own real nature, and to live in integrity with our own deepest values and nature. To live in this manner will lead us to continually confront and reckon with the impulses in us that could seduce us to mindlessly run with the herd–the essence of crowd psychology.

The path of individuation is fundamental to our journey towards wholeness, and forms a central part of the work done with clients by Jungian depth psychotherapists.

With very best wishes for the lifelong journey of becoming yourself,

Brian Collinson, Registered Psychotherapist and Jungian Analyst

© 2021 Brian Collinson, 2238 Constance Drive Oakville, Ontario (near Mississauga)

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