In my recent blog post on “Crisis“, I indicated that one of the gravest things that can happen to people is the experience of betrayal in those close relationships with others whom they trust deeply, and upon whom they depend. I feel strongly that this is an area worth exploring further, and some of my readers have indicated to me that they felt that this was an important topic.
Please consider for a moment the story of Jesus in the Christian New Testament, but with a psychological, rather than a religious perspective. A prominent feature of that story is the betrayal of Jesus by his own disciple, Judas Iscariot. This element of the narrative clearly functions to show us that Jesus went through one of the very bitterest things that can occur to a human being, that this was one of the most appalling torments that a human can undergo. To me, this just seems psychologically accurate. It doesn’t get much worse than being betrayed by someone that you love and trust.
We can experience the awful bitterness of betrayal in a great variety of ways, and at very different stages in life. When it is a real betrayal, it undercuts the individual in such a radical way that it can sometimes lead people to even question the worthwhileness of living.
In our culture, we often associate the terms “trust” and “betrayal” with lovers, whether married or not. Betrayal can appear in the lives of couples through infidelity, through physical, sexual or verbal abuse, through addictions, or through allowing a family to fall into a vulnerable and/or seriously damaging financial position — among various other ways. When it occurs, it can deliver wounds to the one whose trust is breached that are not at all easy to overcome.
It is perhaps less frequently realized, but, within the family of origin, there are many ways that the family can betray a child in his or her vulnerability. One of the greatest fears for the child is the fear of abandonment. This can occur in purely physical ways, that is, through actually leaving the child in his or her helplessness. It can also occur in emotional ways, through rejection, or withdrawal of love.
There are other areas where children or young people can have the experience of betrayal. Many have the experience of religious leaders and institutions in which they have put their faith, that become associated with physical, sexual or emotional abuse. Educational institutions can do the same things, along with other gravely negative things, such as labelling or humiliating the individual in such a way that he or she feels fundamentally violated or devalued as a person.
It is essential to respect the impact of betrayal, if we encounter it in our lives. It is very likely that it will impact the degree to which we can give ourselves in trust in other situations in our lives. It may even have an overall effect on what we call “basic trust“: the capacity of individuals to trust that life is good, and to trust that they can make their way and find what they need from their lives.
To come to terms with betrayal can be one of the greatest challenges that an individual will ever face. It can be a fundamental part of the process of becoming oneself, the process of individuation. Often the difficult road to moving beyond betrayal passes through the journey of therapy. At its best, therapy in depth can be a way of renewing the trust in the other, and simultaneously, the trust in myself.
My very best wishes to you on your individual journey to wholeness — especially to those who at this time wrestle with the dilemmas of trust and betrayal. If you would like to share any part of your journey through a comment or email, I would welcome it.
Brian Collinson, Psychotherapist and Jungian Analyst
Main website for Brian’s Oakville and Mississauga practice: www.briancollinson.ca
Email: brian@briancollinson.ca
PHOTO CREDIT: © Eszawa|Dreamstime.com © 2010 Brian Collinson
A commentator whom I’ll call “C” has kindly asked me to post the following comment for them, anonymously. I think it is a very eloquent, human and courageous comment. Sincere thanks to “C” for sharing this comment. -BC
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“Hi Brian,
I can attest to your claim: “It doesn’t get much worse than being betrayed by someone that you love and trust.”
The big surprise for me was the amount of rage I had to deal with that felt like it came out of nowhere – like it was another being possessing me (archetypal complex activated?) I had been through other failed relationships before but always exited stage left with a sense of grief and sadness that things had not worked out but retained an intact sense of self and with no anger toward the woman.
But 2, 3? years ago a woman I felt betrayed me in a fashion that left me paralyzed both with pain followed by enormous anger that I had never felt before in my life. The devastating part was the anger destroyed my sense of self – I could no longer believe this was who I was, that I could be filled with so much rage and the worst part – the desire to be vindictive. To be honest – all my life I never really understood why (usually men) would turn violent toward their lovers often destroying the woman they loved along with themselves. It seemed senseless and immoral to the extreme.
Then suddenly, when I was assaulted myself with the feelings of pain and extreme anger – because of the sense of feeling betrayed – of a Judas like woman – feelings that overwhelmed my ego and identity to an extreme I had never ever encountered – I then and now realize fully what can drive some people to violent acts against their lovers.
Morally I fought the rage with everything I had and I am happy to say I survived the test of awful pain and the identity crisis. It took years however – and slowly the pain and the wound has subsided to bearable levels. But it still lurks beneath and can accentuate further woundings and has created an atmosphere of fear bordering on paranoia when I start closing the gap between myself and a woman in regards to friendship or possible intimacy.
I would not wish the psychic wounding of betrayal on anyone. It truly is one of the great hells of life one can experience. The wounds are not physical but they might as well be. They can be just as crippling and disabling as a physical disease and I can attest to the fact the psychic wounding can last for years as well.
I imagine Jungian thought would follow along the lines that what does happen to us is a sort of destiny that is vital to our own eventual growth into the wholeness of souls we are fated to become. And that even the worst trials we must live through and experience are meant to lead us to a better place in the end. I certainly hope so.”
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I sincerely believe that too, “C”. Very sincere thanks to you for your comments. -Brian